I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
