i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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