I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
