Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Everyone says I win the strip club
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
