Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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