a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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