I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize