I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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