Sry I called you an 8
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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