Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
