I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I think your dad took our porno
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
