exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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