I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Randomize
