Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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