Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
