Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
