My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
even my farts smell like vagina
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
