sarcasm needs its own font
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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