Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Is it because I queefed?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize