rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
