Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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