eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
