watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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