Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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