U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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