Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
