I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
