May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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