I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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