I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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