i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
