smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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