Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
