I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
what day is it and did you see me today?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
