If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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