I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
