Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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