if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize