two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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