He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
