Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
