I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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