1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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