omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
This toilet bowl is my home.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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