This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
