update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
