I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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