doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
