I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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