you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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