What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
