just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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