I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
