Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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