Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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