I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
