Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
