im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
