Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
