the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
