I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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