where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
