I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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