Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
