i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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