I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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