Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
