yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
