mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
