Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize