i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
